Five years ago yesterday I was happy. Deliriously so. I had a husband who was absolutely the most wonderful thing in the world. The sun rose and set with him. I was pregnant with our son. I had a career which was slated with achieving a VP position by age 30, a mere 2 yrs. I had a mother-in-law who wasn't meddlesome and who actually understood and respected my beliefs, culture, language, etc.... Both my parents were healthy after years of fighting various life-threatening diseases and I had productive, happy and healthy siblings. Mash'Allah, I had such amazing dreams and I was systematically achieving them all. Alhumdillah, I had everything and gave Shukran to Allah for it all.
I was always the eldest in the family, immediate and extended, so I was more often than not a mentor. I relished that position; it was a natural part of my personality. I would get calls from time to time from friends or family members about their troubles, at the end of each call; I would give Shukran and marvel at how blessed I truly was. I'd share the troubles with my husband and tell him that I felt so blessed that we didn't have to go through such trails. He’d look at me and shrug or smile. I realize now, as it didn’t immediately impact him, he didn’t care much.
Five years ago today, I found out my perfect world, wasn't perfect. Since that day, I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions, I've lost a husband, I've lost a mother0in-law, I've lost my most prized gift, a son, I've also taken 2 yrs off and traveled the world, I've left my profession and delved into a completely different profession. I've lost all my worldly possessions and my perfect world is no more. Why? Why did this happen? Simply said, because my husband wasn't happy.
So, I ask myself from time to time, why? Was there a failing in me? Was there a failing in him? Was our time together really suppose to be short-lived as so many have told me? I'm not sure. I do however know, it's changed me. Irrevocably so. I'm not sure if it’s for the better or the worse, but lately, I’m realizing I'm enjoying the new me.
Do I wish things were different? Sure. Am I glad life happened as it did? Absolutely not. I do however, thank Allah that through it all, I grew, I changed and that finally five long years later, I've become a new me, a me which is different yes, but better as well.
There are times when melancholy overtakes me. I wonder sometimes, how is it that life can change so drastically all on whim. How can one person's unhappiness or happiness really be so powerful, constructive or destructive that it can change the lives of the immediate as well as extended people?
I'm happy that I've restarted life. I'm sad that it took such a big price in order for me to really appreciate all the nuances of this onion called life. It’s got layers, its smelly, its nourishing, some refuse to have anything to do with it, but yet it’s all around us.
Funny...I've just compared life to an onion, and yet, it somehow strangely makes sense.
I wish sometimes, in my melancholy reflective moods, that I could have my old life back. And yet, rationally I know there is no going back. There is simply forward, constantly, whether you wish it or not.
And so, I need to move forward, constantly and diligently, forward but the urge to look back, to wish and think how life could have been, how it should have been, it's almost overpowering in its strength. But one foot, at a time, diligently and constantly, forward. That is the focus now...one day at a time, one foot at a time.
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