Restlessness

"Open your eyes"

So, I open them. The sun is shining through the skylight. It's hot and yet the overhead fan undulates. The dog is still sleeping. She sleeps far enough away that when I awaken she still has me in her line of vision.

"I don't want to get up yet." I turn over to the opposite side of the bed, stubbornly waiting to fall back asleep.

"Wake up, I want to go play outside."

"But, how can you?" I ask.

"I'm there inside of you, around you, in all aspects of life. And I want to go outside, only I don't want to go out alone."

So, I throw off the covers. The dog wakes up. She stretches. I watch her and stretch myself. Then I trek downstairs. I'm still in my pajama's. I slip on my flip flops and I open the front door. The dog follows. She knows I'm restless. She knows I've gotten up without a "Good Morning" to her. She knows that something is wrong.

I have a purpose. I go outside, I sit in the shade of the largest tree's in my parent's backyard.

I'm still restless. But, I don't hear him again. He's silent. I look around all the backyards from my parent's all the way down the block through all the neighbors backyards. I don't see a soul out this early. I take a deep breath and I lay down. I look up to the heavens, the clouds, the perfectly open sky above.

I realize, the birds aren't singing. There are no sounds of cars or golf carts whirring by. Not down the street nor in the distance. Why is it so quiet?

I sit up again and I look for the dog. She's gone. Perhaps she's wandered off, she knows where her home is. She knows the neighborhood. Everyone knows her as well. She won't get lost nor will she stay away long. She's my constant companion.

Suddenly I hear her bark. Strange, she hasn't barked since the day I rescued her, when she was 3 months old. Yet, instinctively, I know its her. I get up, I walk over to the side of the house. I see her, under the huge pine trees that line up on the side of the house. She's standing up through the pines of the smallest of the 4 tree's. I notice, her hair is standing on end.

"What's wrong Zari? Why did you bark?"

She doesn't look over at me. She growls. My sweet, loving, patient, quiet 12 lb'er is growling? At what? Suddenly, she whines and runs back to the front of the house. I walk closer to the small pine tree. Nope, I don't see anything. I don't hear anything.

Strange...I wonder what got into her.

I walk back to the front of the house. Zari is there, on the front stopp. She's scratching at the door. I walk up to the door and reach for the door handle to open the door.

But I don't feel the handle. I can't grasp it.

I'm back in bed. I look over and Zari is in her bed. She's on her back and her legs are up in the air. She's oblivious to the world, deep in sleep. I sit up in bed and I hear it...the small voice.

"Mommy you forgot me."

I jump out of bed and go running to the front yard. Nothing.
I run to the side and stand under the pine. Nothing.
I run to the backyard, near where I was sitting in my thoughts, or were those my dreams? Nothing.

I walk back into the house, dejected. And I think..."I couldn't protect him when he needed me the most and now...now I'm starting to forget him."

And then the tears come. Silent, unbidden, cold. I walk back upstairs, into my room, I get into bed and I caccoon myself. It's going to be a long weekend ... so much to do, yet I don't want to get up. Not just yet.