Uncertainty

It's the middle of the day and I can't function. I look around me and see nothing but stillness.

So how come internally I have so much roiling emotion? Why can't I be as still inside my heart, my body, my mind as the stillness that pervades all around me?

An outsider, looking in, would never judge what is inside. They would see a woman, diligently at work at a table surrounded by the calm fragrant smells of that which is a library. Never would anyone guess the emotions, the uncertainty and the concern which is at the heart of that which I call myself.

Why, why can't I just be at peace? Why must I fight tooth and nail for each small concession? Why is it so hard to just enjoy and be a part of life? Why do I feel as if nothing and no one will ever understand that which is inside of me? Why is it that no matter what I do, how I go about, whomever I am with, no one will ever compare to that which was at the heart of my happiness two years ago? Why can we never be happy when we have all that we always strive for?

I watched a mother yell at a child outside of the entrance to the library today. The little girl was completely enamored by the sun reflecting off a small puddle of water. The mother was in a hurry, why are we always in such a hurry? She didn't notice the simple pleasure and the longing on her daughter’s face. I wanted to scream to her, enjoy it! Enjoy it while you can. Never, ever be in such a hurry that you lose the innocence, the happiness, the memories given daily to us. But I didn't say anything out loud. I screamed it but it didn't do any good. She didn't hear me.


And the girl, with a tear streaking down her cheek meekly followed her mother into the building. She looked back though, longingly to the puddle and then looked up. I met her eyes and I looked at her and then on that viselike grip that her mother had on her arm. And then they disappeared into the air conditioned building, my destination for the day.

Before I went in, I splashed in that puddle. I ruined my trainers, but it was worth it. It was a small thing but I did it, not just for myself but also for that little girl. It was....worth it.