Emptiness

can't seem to breathe. It's all around me, It pervades every ounce of the air surrounding me. This sadness that comes when I'm alone. The flood of memories which cannot seem to lessen no matter the amount of physical or mental exertion I attempt to busy myself with throughout the day.

I miss you. My God, I miss you. I wake up in the mornings to emulate the Nabi's love for Bandagi. I pray for peace and an alleviation of the sadness that is my constant companion. Khair, I've come to realize that no matter the amount of care, people, surroundings, physical exercise nor the prayers, I engage in, nothing can seem to lessen the strength of the bone deep pain I have deep in my soul.

No matter how right things are in life, there is a part which each of us hides. This part seems to be the shadow which I never realized I had until I started paying attention to the loneliness and the solitude which surrounds my inner self. I feel like the leaves which I constantly rake from the yard of my parents home is in essence a real representation of the tattered, dead and discarded pieces of my heart and soul.

I've tried all that I can. I miss you, I love you, I'm tired of the struggle and constant pain which is now my companion. Someone once told me that the tears wll eventually stop. I wanted to believe them so badly. I prayed it was the truth. I know now that they were wrong. The tears come unbidden. They flow as powerfully and regularly, as hot as the day I first shed them.

I remember the day well. Everyone was so scared to tell me. But the doctor, was vacant, distant and yet watchful. He told me you were gone. Without hesitation.

I remember being led past the nursery and staring at the fathers watching their newborns. I recall thinking, "Your father will never have that kushi."

When I pray now, I realize its gone. My will is no more. To live, to suceed, to survive is not a blessing today. It is simply a purgatory. A holding pattern until I return to be reunited with you.

An old lady once told me, that should you wish for it with enough desire He will take you back. Should you truly with your soul feel there is nothing left for you on this Earth, you can request a return to His kingdom.