Rishta Diaries - Candidate Two

'YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW'

'OMG OMG OMG!!! I think I just maimed someone for life!' I run out of my car in the middle of rush hour to see whose life I will be funding for the rest of my days.

'Madam, have you got ANY idea how to drive?'

'Are you all right,' I ask

'Oh yes, it's business as usual, after all, I get run over by crazy Americans on a daily basis!'

Ok, so now that the shocks wearing off,I'm realizing that I'm quite PISSED. What a pompous ignoramous.

Granted, I ran over his foot, however upon further look, its just a damn toe. He does have 9 others! Sheesh...what a big baby! Typical male cry afoul over every little thing!

So, now that the anger and the shock are both wearing off, I'm realizing he said American. I look up again to take a closer look. He's a flipping DESI! A tall one at that! And erm...kinda cute.

He looks down at me, 'What?'

'Nothing,' I mumble.

After I've ensured he's not permanently maimed, I offer him a ride, it's the least I can do, right? In return I get stony silence followed by a shocked look.

Guess I shouldn't have offered. *shrug*

I go back to my car and open the drivers side door. He walks away muttering in a decided accent. However, I'm not really concentrating on him as I've got RISHTA#2 coming over tonight.

Thanks to this diversion, I'm now a solid 1 hr behind schedule. I scrape the idea of getting a manicure to attempt to fight traffic to get home in time. That way the gaggle of old bhuddi's awaiting my return won't be cursing me to perdition.

Man am I excited! *NOT*

3 hours later, the house smels like a funeral pyre. I've got every female relation known to me at my home and my daddy is blissfully napping. Bhai's in the study playing a hand of poker and sis is off in the nether regions of the kitchen sampling all that the bhuddi umma's have to offer this potential.

I'm banished to the upstairs region of the house awaiting the chime of the front doorbell. I've been examined by 20 eyes to ensure I've enough makeup on, my outfit is above reproach and my hair is neither too poufy nor too desi-fied.

Can we get the 3 ring circus started already ???

*ring a ling ding* goes the doorbell.

So, um, why do I have butterflies? I don't even know what old dude looks like. Just a very sketchy biodata sheet.

37 yrs old, 5'11", Punjabi Islamabad based family
Pakistan born, UK raised
Educated in UK to PhD level.
Former Analyst for a *prestigious* Energy Private Equity Firm in London
(side note...aren't they ALL prestigious?)
Currently owns companies throughout ME and UK.
Travels to DC, NYC, Cali and Chicago on a 6 week rotation.

Ok ok, bring it on!

So, I hear voices downstairs. I hear the french doors to the formal sitting room (you know the room NO ONE goes into but guests?) open.

'Gulzar, a jao, saab tumhare intezaar kar rahe hain" (Gulzar, come, everyones awaiting you)

Lovely, somehow a sketchy reference to chattel being led to the slaughter flitters through my mind.

I've ascended the stairs and turn and enter the double doors to the cauldron of doom.

I sit down and immediately get 3 whispers NOT to look up. A hand snakes across to smooth down my kurta.

I have this insane urge to smack the hand away so that I can expend some of the frustration I have roiling inside of me. Instead I stare fascinated at the veins crisscrossing this unknown party's hand. I look at my own hand and wonder, will mine look like her's after 30+ yrs?

All of a sudden, I feel an anxiety attack coming on.

'RUN!' my mind screams, 'as fast and as far as you CAN.'

But no, I'm too fearful of the repercussions that will ensue when I do return from Mummi to be acting on that crazy screaming mess that is my mind right now.

I hear a voice, it's strangely familiar. Out of the screaming haze I feel comforted. How's that? I've supposedly never seen this guy before! Oh wait, I can't see anything because my heads all tucked into the hollow of my neck.

Funk this! I lift my head.

HOLY CRAP! It's TOE GUY! But um why's he sitting next to this other guy? And um who's the other guy? Wait...I don't even know who TOE GUY is!

TOE Guy keeps looking. Whereas, I cannot seem to look away. I think he's as shocked as I am!

Damn it, and now comes the hot tamatar blush that I'm cursed with.

So, I sit there, confused and embarrassed, redder than the cherry tomatoes growing in mummi's garden.

Pleasantries are exchanged, food is passed around. Now comes, chai time.

My sister and I get up. We walk to the back of the house and get jumped by a gaggle of questions, a plethora of recommendations and someone's attempting to smooth down a cowlick I didn't know I had!

I finally bat the hand away and grab the chai tray. I make the first move to start walking towards the Cauldron of Doom(my term for mummi's formal sitting room).

After serving everyone from the rishta party, there is miraculously room next to TOE Guys friend for me. I sit down, as obviously that's who I'm supposed to be conversing with.

I get introduced from an aunty from my side 'formally' to TOE Guys friend, Imran.

So, um, whose TOE Guy and when do I get to meet him?

And drat it all, he's sitting there with this highly amused smirk on his face. Kash I could reach out and wipe it off his face! I turn my FULL attention to Imran.

Slowly aunti's start disappearing. Mum and dad left as did bhai ages ago. Sooner rather than later my sister, TOE Guy, Imran and I are left in the room.

At this point, I notice my sister and TOE Guy are mighty comfy. Wait, did he just say he's a politician?! WTH, a desi politician and he didn't threaten to sue me?

Ok ok now I've seen EVERYTHING!

Imran's looking uncomfortable, probably because he can't carry a conversation even if someone led him through one kicking and screaming!

All of a sudden, Imran gets up. Asks where the bathroom is. My sis offers to show him.

FRACK now it's just me and TOE Guy! And of course, that infernal smirk.

I wonder quite sadistically if he's ever heard the phonebook commercial where they advise, "Reach out and touch someone.' No? How about, "let your fingers do the walking?' No again? Hm...well how about the fact that my fingers are fairly itching to smack that smirk right off his face!

Now he's staring! Why o WHY are Brits so rude?

"So Gulzar, tell me, are you enjoying our visit to your home?"

Um, aren't I supposed to be asking him that?!

'Yeah, sure I'm having a lovely time.'

'Really? Because, I must say, that particular blush which you've got on, really is NOT becoming on you.'

WHAT?! My mouth hangs ajar and just on that cue, I get redder than the red on a fire truck!

He of course laughs like the sadistic .bastard. that he is. Ok ok so I deserved that for running over his foot. But right about now, I SOOO wish I had run over BOTH feet rather than just one toe!

BTW, where are Imran and my sis?

I wonder, did Imran by chance fall into the toilet?

'Perhaps, now is the time to clue you into the fact that I'm your rishta and NOT my mate, Imran.'

My head whips around from the french doors to TOE Guy.

'Hardy har har...your funny,' I respond.

All of a sudden, TOE Guy gets up and walks over to my couch.

I stare unable to look away but, my mind foolishly wonders why's he comin so close?

'How do you do? We've not been properly introduced. I'm Farid.'

And so begins Rishta #2.................to be continued!